How  doth  the  Simple 
Spelling  Bee 


(6  Hup,  hup,  hup! 


|  55 


How  doth  the  Simple 
Spelling  Bee 


BY 

OWEN    WISTER 

AUTHOR  OF  "THE  VIRGINIAN,"  "LADY 
BALTIMORE,"  ETC.,  ETC. 


WITH    ILLUSTRATIONS    BY    F.    R.    GRUGER 


THE   MACMILLAN   COMPANY 

LONDON  :  THE  MACMILLAN  CO.,  LTD. 

1907 

j4I!  rights  reserved 


COPYRIGHT,  1907, 
BY  THE  CURTIS  PUBLISHING  COMPANY. 

COPYRIGHT,  1907, 
BY  THE  MACMILLAN  COMPANY. 


Set  up  and  electrotyped.     Published  February,  1907. 


Nortoooti 

J.  S.  Cashing  &  Co.  — Berwick  &  Smith  Co. 
Norwood,  Mass.,  U.S.A. 


ILLUSTRATIONS 

"  Hup,  hup,  hup  !  "     .          .  Frontispiece 

FACING  PAGE 

Flung  the  cakes  at  my  man  Edward       .      10 
"  Chickle  is  not  liquid  refreshment  "      .      24 

Professors    Totts   and   Egghorn   signing 
their  respective  works      .          .          -54 

Masticator  B.  Fellows          .         .         •     5^ 
Professor  Dudelsacker  .          .          .82 

Jesse  had  mounted  upon  the  table  with 
the  still  faintly  bellowing  Totts  "       .96 


225924 


HOW  DOTH  THE  SIMPLE 
SPELLING-BEE 

Ho w  doth  the  Simple  Spelling-bee 
Impruv  each  shining  ower. 

OF  course,  I  know  not  how  it  may 
be  with  you;  but  with  me  the  mail 
brings  daily  a  multitude  of  com 
munications  that  I  have  not  sought, 
and  do  not  want;  nor  do  I  refer 
to  bills  alone;  and  so,  when  there 
came  one  day  a  printed  card  say 
ing:— 

Why  Heifer  ? 

I    tossed    it    into    my    waste-paper 
basket,     and     remembered     it     no 

B  I 


srn:E    SlMVLE.    SPELLING-BEE 


more.  Some  days  had  passed,  dur 
ing  which  I  had  worked  onward 
at  the  index  of  my  forthcoming 
volume,  when  my  memory  was 
jogged  by  the  arrival  of  a  new 
absurdity:  — 

Why  not  Heffer  ? 

Like  its  predecessor,  this  card 
went  at  once  into  my  basket.  I 
had  nearly  finished  the  B's  in  my 
index  before  the  mail  brought  the 
following  :  — 

It  ought  to  be  your  custom  now 
To  simplify,  and  spell  plough  plow; 
Therefore  write  quickly  on  your  cuff 
From  this  day  forth  to  spell  tough  tuff. 
A  third  must  follow  these  first  tu, 
So  you  will  always  spell  through  thru, 


THE    SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

Nor  in  the  midst  of  things  leave  off, 
But  joyfully  now  make  cough  coff. 
By  this  time  you  must  clearly  noa 
Dough  can't  be  doe,  do,  dow,  but  doa. 

Well,  if  they  purposed  to  reform 
our  spelling,  which  has  always  been 
a  mere  rag-bag  of  lawlessness,  I 
hoped  that  they  would  do  it  right; 
but  I  was  too  deeply  immersed 
in  completing  the  index  of  my  forth 
coming  volume  to  spend  thought 
upon  this  question;  nor  did  I  court 
interruption.  My  waste-paper  bas 
ket,  therefore,  received  another 
willing  contribution.  And  when 
presently  the  clue  to  these  cards 
reached  me  in  the  following  tele 
graphic  message,  just  at  the  outset 
of  my  morning's  work :  — 
3 


THE    SIMPLE    SPELLING-BEE 

CHICKLE  UNIVERSITY, 
Arkansopolis,  October  6,  1906. 
English   spelling  rotten  to  the  core. 

Help  us. 

MASTICATOR  B.  FELLOWS. 

I  responded,  not  without  satire :  — 

Utterly   prostrated    by   news.     Help 
less. 

THOMAS  GREENBERRY. 

And  thinking  that  thus  I  was  rid  of 
him,  I  proceeded  quietly  with  the 
index  of  my  forthcoming  volume. 

But  Masticator  B.  Fellows,  presi 
dent  and  proprietor  of  Chickle  Uni 
versity,  had  not  done  with  me  so 
easily.  Since  his  street-boyhood, 
sixty  years  ago,  this  ardent  per 
sonality  ('tis  thus  the  daily  press 
describes  him)  had  made  his  own 
4 


THE    SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

way,  and  had  his  own  way;  he  was 
his  own  capital,  and  there  is  no 
record  of  his  ever  having  sunk  a 
cent  of  it.  Of  habits  strictly  pure, 
he  had  never  seen  a  card  or  a  drop 
of  liquor  that  he  had  touched,  and 
he  had  never  seen  a  dollar  that  he 
had  not  touched.  He  had  organ 
ized  every  industry  along  his  path, 
from  paper-selling,  boot-blacking, 
and  so  upward  to  his  organized 
lobby  at  Washington,  through 
which  he  had  caused  a  heavy 
tariff  to  be  put  upon  every  com 
modity  necessary  to  the  Ameri 
can  people.  It  was  he  who  had 
advised  his  brother  organizers  to 
keep  Religion  on  the  free  list,  be 
cause,  as  he  assured  them,  "if  we 
5 


THE    SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

tax  it,  they'll  do  without  it,  while 
if  we  don't,  they'll  trust  us  for  a 
while  yet."  And  now,  at  the  age 
of  seventy-five,  with  uncounted  mil 
lions,  and  ten  United  States  Sena 
tors,  and  a  fourth  young  wife  all 
in  his  pocket,  he  proposed  to  hand 
his  name  to  Immortality  by  simpli 
fying  the  spelling  of  English  all 
over  the  earth.  Well,  let  him  do 
it  if  he  would  only  do  it  right. 

But  this  he  must  do  without  my 
assistance;  there  were  other  pro 
fessors,  many  of  them.  I  did  not 
permit  the  circulars  that  now  began 
to  pour  in  from  Chickle  University 
to  distract  me  from  my  index.  Strik 
ing  as  these  circulars  were  —  and  I 
will  instance  but  one  of  them :  — 
6 


THE    SIMPLE    SPELLING-BEE 

Judge,  budge,  ridge,  acknowledge 

ARE  SLOW 

Call  in  and  try  our  Quick  Spelling 
Juj.     Buj.     Rij.     Aknolej  — 

they  went  into  the  basket  one  after 
another.  To  this  method  of  sug 
gestion  a  second  was  soon  added, 
and  my  coat-pockets,  as  well  as  my 
mail,  began  to  be  filled  with  spelling 
literature.  I  would  go  out  for  a 
walk,  and  during  this  exercise  some 
paper  or  pamphlet  would  be  slipped 
into  the  coat,  which  I  would  dis 
cover  upon  my  return.  I  remem 
ber  pulling  out  a  little  book  of  verse, 
beginning :  — 

I  am  only  a  primer  to  teach  you  to  spel, 
Which  is  something  that  nobody  does 
very  wel. 

7 


THE     SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

A  sweet  little  primer, 
A  dear  little  primer, 
Sing  hel,  bel,  tel,  fel,  sel,  nel,  quel,  swel 
and  smel. 

I  felt,  let  me  confess  it,  annoyed 
the  next  day  on  returning  from  my 
walk  to  find  a  new  method  of  sug 
gestion,  in  great  charcoal  letters, 
on  the  white  marble  of  my  house- 
front  :  — 

Such  nuisances  as 

Solemn  Comptroller  and  Wednesday 
are  preventing 

THE  KING  OF  SIAM 
from  learning  English 

Nor  was  my  annoyance   decreased 
by  the   further  announcement  that 
defaced    my   house-front    upon    the 
day  following :  — 
8 


THE    SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

MILLIONS  OF  SCHOOL  CHIL 
DREN 

turn  away  weeping  from 
PEOPLE  MAMEUVRE  DIA 
PHRAGM 

Much  should  be  conceded  to  the 
man  who  is  fighting  for  his  Immor 
tality,  as  was  Masticator;  but  not 
too  much.  And  displeasure,  it  may 
fairly  be  said,  began  to  rise  in  me, 
when  I  found,  next  morning,  a  page 
of  the  primer  introduced  in  the 
midst  of  my  index:  — 

Of  the  bad  English  spelling  you'll  surely 

beware, 
When  you  notice  how  stair,  pear  and 

heir  rhyme  with  there; 
The  sad  English  spelling, 
The  mad  English  spelling, 
9 


THE    SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

Sing  hi !    for  the  mare  and  the  mayor 
and  the  prayer. 

Next  consider,  for  instance,  a  word  like 

enhearsed : 

Now  what  business  has  it  to  be  rhym 
ing  with  first  ? 
Sing  hi !  the  old  spelling, 
The  horrible  spelling, 
The  spelling  of  nursed  and  of  versed 
and  of  worst. 

But    our    simplified    speling    can    cure 

every  il, 
And   permits   nothing  foolish   like  two 

1's  in  pil. 

Sing  hi !  the  new  speling, 
Our  comforting  speling, 
Sing  pil,  bil,  fil,  wil,  til,  sil,  quil,  spil, 
and  swil. 

Yes,    Masticator   was    going   too 
far  —  and  how  had  he  managed  to 

10 


Flung  the  cakes  at  my  man  Edward. 


THE    SIMPLE    SPELLING-BEE 

tamper  with  my  index  ?  I  rang  the 
bell,  and  questioned  my  man  Ed 
ward  sharply.  He  knew  nothing 
of  it,  nor  did  the  housemaid,  whom 
I  also  questioned  sharply.  And  I 
trusted  I  should  be  less  harassed  on 
the  morrow. 

But  on  the  morrow,  at  breakfast, 
lifting  with  my  fork  the  top  buck 
wheat  cake  in  order  to  spread  but 
ter  upon  the  second,  I  found  a 
leaflet  between  the  two  cakes,  in 
scribed  :  — 

Phthisis 

How  can  you  eat  while  a  word  like 
that  is  allowed  ? 

I  flung  the  cakes  at  my  man  Ed 
ward,  and  in  five  minutes  I  had  dis 
missed  every  servant  in  the  house, 
ii 


THE     SIMPLE    SPELLING-BEE 

Quite  unable  to  work,  I  left  the  house 
myself,  and  set  out  to  take  the  air. 
No;  Masticator  was  not  doing  it 
right;  he  was  taking  too  many  sud 
den  liberties,  not  only  with  the  lan 
guage,  but  with  myself.  Becoming 
gradually  aware  that  a  number  of 
young  persons  were  following  me 
with  loud  and  disconcerting  expres 
sions,  I  stepped  into  a  shop  where  I 
am  unknown,  and  where  they  at  once 
offered  to  brush  off  my  back.  A 
double  mirror  showed  me  these 
words,  chalked  plainly :  — 

He  wants  a 

P 
in  Consumtion 

Being  now  without  servants,  I  de 
cided  that  I  should  be  free  from  per- 
12 


THE     SIMPLE    SPELLING-BEE 

secution  in  the  luxurious  wilderness 
of  a  great  hotel.  Upon  getting  into 
bed  in  my  room  in  the  twelfth  story, 
a  dreadful  contact  caused  me  to  leap 
to  the  floor,  where  my  foot  dashed 
down  upon  some  similar  dreadful- 
ness,  and  the  shock  threw  me  flat  on 
my  face  and  stomach,  only  to  feel  my 
self  instantly  plastered  with  more  of 
the  same  odious  and  encasing  sub 
stance.  I  believe  that  I  shouted 
loudly  in  the  dark  for  some  time 
before  hotel  employees  rushed  to 
my  succor ;  the  door  was  burst  open 
and  the  light  turned  on.  It  was 
By-paper;  and  much  time  was  con 
sumed  in  relieving  my  person  of  it. 
Every  piece  bore  its  motto,  such 
as:  — 


THE     SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

If  you'll  but  drop  the  e  in  pi 
Better  on  stomach  pi  will  li. 

and  also :  — 

The  b  in  lam 

's  not  worth  a  dam  — 

and  others. 

As  early  as  possible  the  next  morn 
ing  I  sent  a  message  of  capitulation 
to  Masticator  B.  Fellows. 

What  can  I  do  for  you  ? 

was  the  message ;  and  the  reply  came 
back:  — 

Delighted  you  are  with  us. 

Private  car  train  twenty-one  to-day. 

The  secretary  of  Masticator  was  at 
the  steps  of  the  car  and  presented  me 
at  once  to  a  most  lovely  girl.  At 
the  news  she  was  to  serve  on  the 


THE     SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

Simplified  Spelling  Committee  with 
me,  my  heart  bounded,  every  doubt 
left  me,  and  I  exclaimed :  — 

"I  will  spell  just  as  you  say." 

"Then,"  she  most  sweetly  re 
turned,  "  never  let  us  consent  to  any 
simplification  of  kiss."  And  I  counted 
such  answer  a  very  happy  omen. 

She  had  come  from  a  woman's 
college,  and  her  important  work  on 
the  authorship  of  Shakespeare's  plays 
had  demonstrated,  beyond  refutation, 
that  the  plays  had  been  written  by 
Queen  Elizabeth,  in  collaboration 
with  Sir  Walter  Raleigh  and  Lady 
Jane  Grey. 

"  Shall  we  be  in  Harrisburg  soon, 
Mr.  Kibosh?"  she  asked  the  sec 
retary. 

15 


THE    SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

"It  will  be  ten  minutes  after  seven, 
Miss  Appleby." 

"And  that  is  a  whole  three  hours  ! " 
she  cried,  with  no  pleasure  in  her 
voice. 

"Here  is  some  good  chickle,"  said 
Kibosh.  And  when  she  would  take 
none,  "Then  I  will,"  he  said.  "The 
private  stock  of  Masticator  B .  Fellows. 
The  public  gets  nothing  like  this." 

He  took  a  small  object  from  the  box 
that  he  held  and  put  it  in  his  mouth ; 
and  soon,  while  the  train  sped  on, 
his  large  long  jaws  were  oscillating 
with  a  smooth  motion,  and  content, 
like  a  lukewarm  glaze,  overspread 
his  immense  bald  features. 

Thus  it  came  to  me  what  chickle 
was.  "  Chewing-gum  !  "  I  exclaimed. 
16 


THE    SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

Kibosh  opened  gentle  eyes  upon 
me.  "We  do  not  use  that  word  at 
Arkansopolis."  He  smiled,  removed 
the  plastic  morsel  from  his  mouth, 
and  placed  it  on  the  window-sill, 
that  he  might  speak  to  me  without 
impediment. 

"We  always  say  chickle  at  Arkan 
sopolis.  We  like  that  better.  Mas 
ticator  B.  Fellows  likes  that  better. 
When  his  genius  bought  up  the  small 
plants " 

"Is  there  a  chewing-gum  trust, 
too?"  asked  Miss  Appleby. 

"Chickle,  Miss  Appleby,  chickle, 
if  you  please.  When  Masticator's 
genius  organized  this  noble  indus 
try,  thereby  placing  a  superior,  pure, 
cheap,  and  uniform  article  within 
c  17 


THE     SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 
the    reach    of   eighty    million    jaws 

99 

"But  the  whole  nation  does  not 
chew  gum!"  the  lovely  girl  again, 
with  some  spirit,  interrupted. 

"Chickle,  Miss  Appleby,  if  you 
please.  Fifty  per  cent  of  our  popu 
lation  chickles,  and  that  makes  eighty 
million  jaws.  When  the  time  came 
to  —  ahem  —  float  the  proposition, 
after  the  bonds,  there  was  an  issue  of 
one  billion  preferred,  and  two  billions 
of  common  stock.  It  did  not  seem 
fitting,  Miss  Appleby,  it  did  not  seem 
dignified,  that  Wall  Street  should 
bandy  back  and  forth  such  an  ex 
pression  as  —  ahem  — '  chewing-gum 
common/  To  the  eye,  such  an 
expression  printed  in  the  financial 
18 


THE     SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

columns  would  seem  —  would  —  in 
short,  hence  chickle,  Miss  Appleby, 
noun  and  verb.  Never  anything 
else  at  Arkansopolis.  Will  you  not 
chickle  now?  No?  Ah,  well. 
But  at  least  you  are  with  us  in  the 
Higher  Spelling."  His  hand  sought 
the  window-sill,  and  then  his  mouth ; 
and  his  jaws  resumed  their  placid 
oscillation. 

Miss  Appleby  had  gone  out  upon 
the  broad  rear  platform  of  our  car ; 
and  there,  as  she  sat  alone,  I  joined 
her,  saying :  — 

"  Shall  we  talk  of  the  Higher 
Spelling?" 

But  she  seemed  inclined  for  not 
much  talk  upon  any  subject ;  and  the 
nearer  Harrisburg  drew,  the  more 
19 


THE    SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

difficult  I  found  it  to  engage  her 
attention. 

"There  is  nothing  to  see,"  I  as 
sured  her  when,  as  our  train  entered 
the  station,  she  left  me  with  some 
thing  almost  like  eagerness. 

I  did  not  get  out  during  our  some 
what  long  stop,  being  occupied  in  my 
private  stateroom  with  unpacking  and 
disposing  my  clothes  for  the  journey. 
As  we  started  again,  I  emerged  to  find 
Miss  Appleby  in  bright  conversation 
with  a  newcomer. 

"  Professor  Jesse  Willows,"  said 
Kibosh,  "of  Paw-paw  University, 
Mountain  Dew  City."  And  as  the 
extraordinarily  handsome  young 
man  rose,  quite  six-feet-two,  to  greet 
me,  Kibosh  continued:  "The  pro- 

20 


THE     SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

fessor's  Dictionary  of  Deadly  Weap 
ons,  as  well  as  his  great  work  on 
Bowie-Knives  in  the  Stone  Age, 
makes  him  a  welcome  member  of 
our  committee." 

I  felt,  I  know  not  why,  less  glad  to 
see  this  Professor  Willows  than  Miss 
Appleby  seemed.  His  long  black 
coat  and  black  tie  were  fairly  proper 
for  a  man  of  erudition ;  but  his  hat 
was  soft  and  broad  of  brim,  and  his 
trousers  were  of  brown  corduroy, 
drawn  over  high  boots. 

"And  what,  sir,"  I  asked  him, 
"may  your  views  be  on  the  Higher 
Spelling?" 

"Bless  yore  heart,  suh,"  he  gayly 
responded,  "what's  spellin',  anyway  ? 
Just  alphabet  lettuhs  fixed  like  some 

21 


THE     SIMPLE    SPELLING-BEE 

man  chose  to  fix  'em  befo'  you  an' 
me  were  bawn.  An'  so  I  say  such  a 
man's  had  his  notions  more'n  long 
enough,  and  it's  high  time  we-all  took 
a  whirl  at  the  dictionary." 

"I  admit,  sir,"  I  responded,  "that 
our  spelling  is  but  a  rag-bag  of  law 
lessness.  But  it  has  been  ratified 
by  a  noble  army  of  great  writers. 
They  and  the  daily  press  have  spread 
it  over  the  world.  Therefore  we 
must  go  slowly.  We  must  do  it  right. 
Derivation  - 

"  Bless  yore  heart,  suh,"  the  im 
petuous  youth  interrupted  me, 
"what's  derivation?  Just  conquest 
follo'd  by  mispronunciation.  Julius 
Caesuh  he  lambastes  Gaul;  and  he 
talks  Latin  to  'em;  he  says  'honor, 
22 


THE     SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

an'  he  goes  home ;  an'  the  Gauls  re 
tain  Caesuh's  /dea,  as  all  puffeck 
gennlemen  should,  but  the  nearest 
they  kin  git  to  the  Latin  is  'honneur' 
An'  then,  whoop  they  come  over  to 
England,  an'  they  lambaste  the  An 
glo-Saxons,  an'  talk  to  'em  about 
'  honneur.'  An'  the  Anglo-Saxons, 
bein'  also  puffeck  gennlemen,  they 
ketches  on  to  the  /dea,  but  be-Jeroo- 
salemmed  if  they  kin  say  it  straight, 
either;  an'  so  it  gits  to  be  'honour.9 
An'  then  comes  our  glorious  Revo 
lution  ;  an'  we  tell  the  English/ Good- 
by  to  yo',  King  Geawge.  Good-by  to 
yore  iniquitous  parliament.  Good- 
by  to  yore  whole  dog-goned  outfit  of 
tyrants  and  helots.  We-all  don'  keer 
how  you-all  spell  anything  whatso- 
23 


THE     SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

ever,  an'  the  language  of  Washing 
ton^'  Jeffuhson,  an'  Patrick  Henry, 
an'  all  the  glorious  fathuhs  of  lib- 
uhty,  is  goin'  to  spell  it  honor  with 
out  a  u.'  An'  there  you  are,  back  to 
yore  original  Latin." 

"A  noble  sentiment,  Professor," 
said  Kibosh.  "A  truly  noble  senti 
ment.  Will  you  not  join  me  in  a 
chickle?" 

The  professor  bounded  to  his  full, 
long  height,  with  all  the  agility  of  the 
felis  catus  of  his  own  wild,  native 
mountains. 

"I'm  with  you,  suh!"  he  ex 
claimed.  "Be-Jeroosalemmed  if  I 
wasn't  pow'ful  thirsty." 

"Chickle  is  not  liquid  refresh 
ment,"  said  Kibosh,  mildly;  and 
24 


«  Chickle  is  not  liquid  refreshment.' 


THE     SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

he  held  out  the  box  to  his  tall 
guest. 

The  professor  glared  at  it  for  a 
moment.  "You  and  yore  chickle," 
he  then  began,  with  alarming  de 
liberation,  "can  go  right " 

A  quick,  girlish  cough  sounded  be 
hind  him. 

" to  my  private  cabin  in  this 

cyan,"  the  professor  continued,  with 
no  change  in  countenance  or  voice, 
"where  I  will  join  you,  and  where  we 
will  find  liquid  refreshment." 

Kibosh  did  not  dare  refuse  him, 
and  I  came  without  being  asked. 

"It's  a  glorious  exercise,  suh,"  said 
the  professor  to  me,  in  the  private 
cabin. 

"In  moderation,  yes,"  I  answered. 
25 


THE     SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

"  May  I  inquiuh  to  what  you-all  are 
referrin'?"  he  asked  haughtily. 

"Why,  to  this,"  I  answered,  tap 
ping  my  glass. 

The  professor  grew  more  stiff. 
"I  referred  to  simplifyin'  the  spellin' 
of  our  language,"  he  said. 

"A  glorious  exercise  ?"  I  repeated 
vaguely. 

"Fo'  the  imagination,  suh.  Turn 
yore  eye  whah  you  will,  you'll  see 
words  that  need  refawmin',  words 
that  need  our  help,  words  that  cry  an' 
clamuh  to  be  relieved  of  the  stigma 
of  their  congested  and  nonsensical 
appearance ;  nouns,  adjectives,  verbs, 
all  stuck  in  the  hopeless  mud  of  an 
tiquity,  an'  holdin'  out  their  hands 
for  we-all  to  drag  'em  out  an'  bring 
26 


THE     SIMPLE    SPELLING-BEE 

'em  up  to  date."  He  now  gave  me 
a  list.  "Look,  suh,  at  those  pore, 
sufferin',  aged  cripples,  awaitin'  the 
renewal  of  their  youth." 

"You  have  a  magnificent  collec 
tion,"  I  remarked  to  him,  after  a 
glance  at  the  list. 

"Pshaw!"  he  returned.  "I  could 
double  that  in  an  hour.  I  just  jotted 
that  down  as  I  came  up  the  valley 
from  Paw-paw  in  the  Chattanooga 
Limited.  Why,  just  lookin'  out  of 
the  cyah  windo'  would  give  me  no 
tions.  I  saw  a  thistle.  Down  she 
went  on  the  list,  an'  down  went 
whistle  next  her,  suggested  by  our 
locomotive.  Thistle.  Whistle.  Look 
at  those  disgraces.  Look  at  the 
dead  wood  in  'em.  Are  not  they 
27 


THE     SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

just  congested  all  up  with  pitfalls 
for  the  young?  Once  we  get  to 
work  at  Arkansopolis,  and  they'll  be 
thissl  and  wissl,  or  my  name  is  not 
Jesse  Willows." 

He  paused,  and  I  looked  at  his  list 
again.  The  railway  journey  had 
given  him  a  number  of  suggestions ; 
I  saw,  in  hasty  writing :  — 

Freight.  That's  dopy.  Should  be  frate. 
Bridge.  Another  has-been.  Brij. 

My  perusal  was  interrupted  by  his 
seizing  the  list  away  from  me.  "The 
po'tuh  has  turned  the  gas  higher,"  he 
said.  "That  gives  me  another  whole 
big  line  of  'em."  And  he  wrote:  — 

Light  should  be  lite.     So   also  fight, 
and  tight  and  others  on  the  same  plan. 
28 


THE     SIMPLE    SPELLING-BEE 

"Po'tuh!"  he  called  out,  "what 
is  yore  name?" 

"Michael,  Colonel,"  the  man  an 
swered. 

"Another!"  exclaimed  the  pro 
fessor.  And  he  wrote :  — 

Michael,  Mycle,  because  cycle. 
Bicicle  because  icicle. 

I  kept  various  doubts  to  myself, 
and  resolved  that  such  must  continue 
my  policy  if  I  were  ever  to  have 
peace  ;  but,  no  matter  how  I  might 
agree  to  spell  bicycle,  I  was  secretly 
determined  never  to  address  my 
younger  brother  as  Mycle.  Imagine 
thus  mutilating  a  name  that  had  been 
in  our  family  for  generations ! 

Professor  Willows  showed  his  list 
29 


THE     SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

to  Miss  Appleby;  I  saw  him,  and  I 
saw  her  evidently  add  some  words  to 
it.  But,  to  my  surprise,  this  seemed 
to  cause  them  mirth.  They  did  not 
seek  my  company,  and  conversed  to 
gether  without  ceasing,  in  a  corner 
of  our  car,  while  Kibosh  slumbered ; 
and  I  wondered  if  the  Higher  Spelling 
was  the  subject  that  brought  their 
heads  so  close  to  each  other.  That 
girl  was  more  and  more  a  disap 
pointment  to  me ;  and  I  retired  in  no 
very  good  humor. 

Mycle  was  not  the  only  word  to 
which,  as  I  dressed  myself  next  morn 
ing,  I  found  my  opinion  to  be  entirely 
adverse;  frate  seemed  to  me  objec 
tionable,  nor  did  I  feel  any  leanings 
toward  brij  and  lite.  And  the  sur- 
30 


THE     SIMPLE    SPELLING-BEE 

prising  readiness  with  which  Pro 
fessor  Willows  accepted  my  criticism 
failed  to  make  upon  me  the  happy 
impression  which  the  adoption  of 
one's  views  by  another  is  apt  to 
cause. 

"You  don't  like  frate,  suh?"  he 
said,  whipping  out  his  pencil,  and 
quickly  writing  on  his  list.  "Bless 
yore  heart,  then  we'll  just  make  it 
frait.  How  does  that  hit  yore 
fancy?" 

I  thanked  him  for  his  amiability, 
but  my  fancy  was  as  little  hit  by  frait 
as  it  had  been  by  frate ;  and  it  was 
still  less  hit  when  he  came  to  me 
with  his  customary  enthusiasm  some 
twenty-five  minutes  after  breakfast, 
to  show  me  forty-three  more  words 


THE     SIMPLE    SPELLING-BEE 

that  he  had  simplified  since  ris 
ing  from  table.  Still  keeping  all 
thoughts  to  myself,  I  read :  — 

Earth  and  dearth  to  irth  and  dirth,  like 
mirth.  Also  worth  to  wirth.  Pheas 
ants  whirr.  Cats  should  pirr. 

I  passed  the  list  back  with  I  know 
not  what  commendations  of  his  rapid 
ity.  He  retired  with  it  to  the  rear 
platform,  where  sat  Miss  Appleby; 
and  almost  immediately  I  heard  egre 
gious  peals  of  laughter  coming  from 
them  both.  This,  for  some  reason, 
kindled  in  me  such  annoyance  that  I 
put  my  head  out  of  the  door,  and  cried 
loudly  to  them:  "Do  you  intend  to 
make  flirt  flurt,  or  hurt  hirt  ?  And 
how  about  squirt?"  And  I  shut 
32 


THE     SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

the  door  sharp  upon  my  words  be 
fore  they  could  make  answer  to  me. 
But  still,  even  through  the  closed 
door  and  thick  plate-glass  windows, 
their  shameless  merriment  reached 
me,  and  seemed,  if  anything,  louder 
than  ever. 

The  outlook  for  the  Higher  Spell 
ing  was  scarce  a  bright  one,  I  thought, 
if  the  rest  of  my  colleagues,  whom  I 
had  yet  to  meet,  should  approach 
their  solemn  responsibilities  in  any 
thing  of  the  spirit  shown  by  Professor 
Willows  and  Miss  Appleby.  His 
facile  adoption  of  a  new  spelling,  and 
equally  facile  relinquishment  of  it, 
gave  but  poor  evidence  of  any  deep 
thought  on  this  matter;  and  to  see 
him  through  the  plate-glass  as  he 
33 


THE     SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

talked  to  her  on  the  rear  platform, 
no  one  would  easily  be  persuaded  that 
spelling  was  the  subject  of  their  collo 
quy;  and  lastly,  when  he  fetched  a 
large  shawl  and  hung  it  across  the 
window  outside,  so  that  they  were 
wholly  screened  from  view,  I  found 
it  no  light  effort  to  believe  that  it  was 
to  shield  her  from  the  cold  blast,  as 
he  informed  me. 

I  sought  (without  great  eager 
ness)  the  companionship  of  Kibosh. 
"Do  you  not  fear,"  I  asked  him, 
"that  we  may  not  find  ourselves  able 
to  reach  an  agreement  as  to  the  sys 
tem  by  which  this  respelling  should 
proceed  ?" 

"What  would  hinder  it?"  he  in 
quired. 

34 


THE     SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

"Of  course,  our  present  spelling  is 
but  a  rag-bag  of  lawlessness,"  I  re 
plied,  for  I  was  growing  fond  of  my 
description  of  it.  "But  great  au 
thors  and  newspapers  have  spread  it 
round  the  globe.  The  sun  never  sets 
on  English  spelling.  We  must  join 
the  great  English  universities  with  us. 
We  must  join  Canada,  India,  Aus 
tralia.  We  must  do  it  right/' 

"England  will  have  to  follow  us !" 
he  declared. 

"If  you'll  watch  England,"  I  said, 
"I  think  you'll  find  she  has  her  own 
ideas  about  that." 

"Then  our  publishers  and  writers 
will  ignore  England,"  he  replied. 

"If  you'll  watch  our  publishers  and 
writers,"  I  again  said,  "you'll  see 
35 


THE     SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

they'll  be  slow  to  let  go  their  English 
market  by  making  books  that  would 
be  illegible  throughout  the  British 
Empire." 

"What  are  authors,  anyhow?"  he 
demanded.  "It  is  our  business  men 
who  are  our  glory/' 

"If  you'll  watch  our  business 
men,"  I  repeated,  not  without  acer 
bity,  "you'll  find  they  have  London 
correspondents,  and  they'll  not  care 
to  run  two  sorts  of  spelling  with  their 
stenographers." 

Kibosh  thought  awhile,  and  then, 
with  his  gentle  smile,  he  again  re 
moved  his  chickle  and  placed  it  on 
the  window-sill. 

"But,  nevertheless,  Masticator  will 
have  gained  his  point,"  he  said. 

36 


THE     SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

"Scarcely  so,  if  a  system  fails  us, 
and  we  do  nothing,"  I  suggested. 

He  seemed  not  to  hear  me.  "And 
all  of  the  committee,  every  member, 
will  have  gained  the  point  as  well." 

"You'll  pardon  me,  but  what  is 
the  point?"  I  now  asked  him. 

"And  the  English  language,"  he 
continued  more  and  more  gently,  "it 
will  have  gained  the  point,  too." 

"I  must  confess,"  I  said,  "to  utter 
ignorance  of  your  meaning." 

Kibosh  smiled  for  a  long  while, 
looking  at  me  very  kindly. 

"  You  will  readily  appreciate,"  he 
at  length  began,  "that  the  greatest 
need  of  mankind  is  Publicity.  It  is 
as  essential  to  the  German  Emperor 
as  it  is  to  the  female  society  leader, 
37 


THE     SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

or  the  trick  mule.  We  are  no  excep 
tions,  we  leaders  of  thought,  and 
teachers  of  youth,  and  captains  of  in 
dustry;  we  too  must  have  Publicity 
or  —  ahem  —  pass  under.  And  as 
the  demand  for  Publicity  increases, 
the  supply  of  it  naturally  diminishes. 
You  understand  that?  Well,  now, 
any  association  with  Masticator  B. 
Fellows  means  Publicity  at  once  for 
the  lucky  individual.  But  there  are 
times  when  the  vast  sweep  of  eco 
nomic  currents  ties  up  all  the  avail 
able  Publicity,  and  at  those  times 
great  enterprises  languish  from  its 
scarcity.  It  may  befall  that  even 
such  giant  operators  as  Masticator  B. 
Fellows  find  themselves  embarrassed. 
It  is  then  only  the  man  of  genius 

38 


THE     SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

whose  magic  hand  can  smite  the  rock 
in  some  novel  way,  and  cause  Pub 
licity  again  to  gush  forth  fresh  and 
sparkling  —  it  is  then  only  he  who  is 
heard  from.  There  has  been  such  a 
time  of  late.  Publicity  was  tied  up, 
and  Masticator  needed  some  for  his 
—  for  certain  plans  he  has  to  benefit 
the  human  race.  Now,  what  does 
Masticator  do  ?  He  surveys  the 
general  situation,  he  thinks  it  over, 
and  presently  he  says  '  Spelling  Re 
form/  He  smites  the  rock,  and 
there  you  have  it.  You  understand 
me  ?  Well,  supposing  you  gentle 
man  do  fail  to  —  ahem  —  make  any 
coLsiderable  impression  upon  the 
English  language,  you  will  have  made 
a  considerable  impression  on  the 
39 


THE    SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

public;  the  rock  will  have  gushed, 
Masticator's  point  will  be  gained. 
He  will  have  secured  the  Publicity 
he  needs  for  his  —  his  benevolent 
enterprises;  each  of  you  gentlemen 
will  have  secured  Publicity  for  your 
names  and  works;  and  we  mustn't 
forget  the  English  language.  It  will 
have  got  Publicity,  too;  it  needs  it, 
like  all  the  rest  of  us.  I'm  sure  you 
understand  me." 

Thus  Kibosh  finished,  and  it  en 
tered  my  mind  to  descend  at  our  next 
stop,  and  take  the  first  train  back  to 
my  own  place;  but  this  thought  I 
quickly  dismissed,  remembering  Mas 
ticator's  methods  of  reaching  ''  ise 
whom  he  wanted.  And  (although  I 
know  this  is  uhworthy)  I  was  become 
40 


THE     SIMPLE    SPELLING-BEE 

very  curious  to  see  what  we  should  all 
do,  once  we  were  gathered  together. 
Were  all  the  rest  of  my  colleagues 
coming  for  Publicity?  I  glanced 
at  the  window,  where  the  shawl 
still  screened  Professor  Willows  and 
Miss  Appleby,  and  it  seemed  to  me 
that  they  had  come  rather  for  Pri 
vacy. 

"Who  are  the  rest  of  my  col 
leagues?"  I  now  asked  Kibosh. 

"Well,  now,  I'm  afraid  you've 
got  me,"  he  responded.  "There's 
—  let  me  see  —  Professor  Flawless 
Nathaniel  Maverick,  of  Fishball 
University,  Massachusetts.  He  is 
with  us.  A  profound  scholar,  sir." 

"What  is  his  line?"  I  asked. 

"Well,  now,  that's  another  tough 


THE     SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

one.  Let  us  see.  Did  he  write  The 
Fuel  of  the  Future?" 

I  shook  my  head,  being  ignorant. 

"Or  was  it  The  Mustard  Plaster  in 
Pharaoh's  Time?"  Kibosh  dreamily 
pursued. 

"What  is  the  fuel  of  the  future  ?"  I 
asked. 

"  Pecan  nuts.  I  am  certain  of 
that,"  answered  Kibosh.  "But 
whether  he's  that  one,  or  whether  it's 
Lysander  Totts " 

"Who  is  Lysander  Totts?"  I  in 
quired. 

"Another  profound  scholar,  sir. 
Of  Numa  Pompilius  University,  New 
York.  But  we've  got  them  from  all 
around  —  from  Seminole,  Florida, 
Oglethorpe,  Georgia,  Lafitte,  Loui- 
42 


THE     SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

siana,  Sandys,  Virginia,  Graftsburg, 
Pennsylvania — but  you'll  meet  them 
to-morrow  at  Chickle  University. 
All  profound  scholars,  sir.  It  was 
Totts,  come  to  think  of  it." 

"  Think  of  what?  "I  asked. 

"  Pecan  nuts,"  said  Kibosh. 

I  should  have  been  glad  to  learn 
the  names  of  all  my  colleagues,  and 
what  they  had  written,  that  I  might 
be  the  better  prepared  to  meet  them ; 
but  Kibosh  could  be  sure  only  of 
Totts  and  his  book;  and  Professor 
Willows  and  Miss  Appleby  had 
not  heard  even  of  Totts,  when  I 
asked  them  at  lunch  to  enlighten 
me. 

"What  mattuh,  suh?"  cried  Wil 
lows,  cheerily.  "They'll  tell  you 
43 


THE     SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

quick  enough  themselves  why  they're 
so  famous." 

At  this  remark  Miss  Appleby  broke 
into  much  gayety. 

"Got  many  words  this  mawnin', 
Professuh  ? "  asked  Willows  of  me ; 
and  I  retorted,  with  what  should  have 
been  telling  reproof,  that  I  was  not 
of  those  who  can  improvise  thorough 
work. 

It  was  extraordinary  how  much 
this  young  man's  remarks  pleased 
Miss  Appleby.  He  was  but  a  poor 
companion  for  the  lovely  girl;  and 
when,  after  lunch,  he  retired  to  slum 
ber  in  his  cabin  (as  he  called  it),  I 
took  my  seat  beside  her  on  the  rear 
platform.  She  was  most  amiable, 
but  bade  me  first  take  down  the  shawl 
44 


THE     SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

behind  us.  The  cold  blasts,  she  said, 
had  ceased.  We  talked  for  some 
time,  and  it  was  easy  to  see  that  under 
proper  guidance  her  mind  would  open 
to  all  befitting  things.  Not  until 
Professor  Willows  came  out  of  his 
cabin  and  joined  us,  did  I  feel  her 
grow  distant  again.  Without  prelimi 
nary,  he  asked:  "What  does  a  man 
who  sits  down  on  a  sharp  needle  most 
resemble  ?"  And,  without  waiting,  he 
answered,  "A  profane  upstart." 

Into  such  levity  I  could  not  possibly 
enter;  I  resolved  to  wait  the  mor 
row,  and  the  succeeding  days  of  our 
convention  at  Chickle  University,  for 
opportunities  to  exert  upon  this  im 
pressionable  young  girl  my  whole 
some  influence. 

45 


THE     SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

We  reached  our  destination  during 
the  forenoon  of  the  next  day,  and  I 
was  amazed  when  I  beheld  spreading 
out  before  me  the  vast  institution 
where  we  were  to  hold  our  sittings. 
Chickle  University  covered,  with  its 
grounds  and  buildings,  four  square 
miles.  Swift  electric  cars  ran  every 
where  by  routes  so  well  planned  that 
less  than  four  minutes  were  consumed 
between  the  two  most  distant  points. 
The  several  thousand  buildings  were 
of  a  uniform  pattern,  but  lettered  on 
the  outside,  so  as  easily  to  be  dis 
tinguished:  House  of  Latin,  House 
of  Chiropody,  House  of  Marriage 
and  Divorce,  and  so  forth.  Every 
thing  was  taught  here,  and  had  its 
separate  house;  and  the  courses  of 
46 


THE     SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

instruction  were  named  on  a  plan  as 
uniform  as  the  buildings :  Get  French 
Quick,  Get  Religion  Quick,  Get  Foot 
ball  Quick,  and  so  forth.  The  Uni 
versity  was  open  to  both  sexes.  I  saw 
great  crowds  of  young  men  and  wo 
men  trying  to  push  their  way  into  the 
House  of  Marriage  and  Divorce ;  and 
Kibosh  informed  me  that  this  course 
was  the  second  in  popularity,  and  in 
such  active  demand  that  a  corps  of 
ninety-six  instructors  was  kept  lectur 
ing  continuously  day  and  night.  The 
football  course  had  overflowed  its  own 
building  so  copiously  that  it  was  also 
filling  the  houses  of  Latin,  Greek, 
Music,  History,  and  Literature. 

"  And  what  do  those  students  do  ?" 
I  inquired. 

47 


THE     SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

"There  have  been  none,"  he  an 
swered.  "We  have  accommodations 
for  two  million  students ;  but  if  this 
spelling  reform  fails  to  prove  the  — 
ahem  —  you'll  remember  what  we 
said  about  rock-smiting,  Mr.  Green- 
berry  —  fails  to  prove  the  —  er 
—  attraction  that  Masticator  antici 
pates,  any  idle  houses  in  this  Uni 
versity  plant  can  be  readily  turned 
into  the  Chickle  plant,  which  adjoins 
it." 

I  asked  him,  would  they  not  meet 
great  difficulty  in  finding  professors 
for  two  million  students  ? 

"Professors  are  our  lightest  ex 
pense,"  he  replied.  "We  can  always 
pick  them  up  for  next  to  nothing." 

So  saying,  Kibosh  led  us  to  the 
48 


THE     SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

library;  and  here  were  some  gentle 
men  assembled  whose  appearance 
clearly  proclaimed  them  to  be  pro 
found  scholars,  and  who  were  to  be 
of  our  spelling  committee.  While 
Kibosh  made  us  known  to  each  other, 
and  we  exchanged  our  formal  greet 
ings,  the  eye  of  each  scholar  sought 
the  eye  of  every  other  scholar  with 
that  thirsty  look  an  author  wears, 
when  the  hope  for  compliments  upon 
his  writings  flutters  in  his  breast. 
But  we  were  true  professors,  all  of 
us,  and  not  one  had  read  a  word  that 
any  of  the  others  had  ever  written. 
Deceit  should  always  be  discour 
aged,  nay,  firmly  punished,  in  the 
young;  for  by  reason  of  their  im 
maturity  they  have  but  little  judg- 
49 


THE     SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

ment  when  to  practise  it ;  but  to  the 
old  it  is  frequently  of  the  greatest  ser 
vice.  Intending,  therefore,  to  be  as 
agreeable  as  possible,  I  approached 
Professor  Lysander  Totts  with  a 
feigned  knowledge  of  his  work. 
Shaking  him  cordially  by  the  hand, 
I  said,  " Ah,  yes;  Pecan  Nuts!" 

"What?"  he  replied,  staring. 

"Why,  Pecan  Nuts!"  I  repeated. 
"Let  me  congratulate " 

"My  name  is  Totts,"  he  inter 
rupted. 

"To  be  sure!"  I  exclaimed. 
"Who  has  not  read  The  Fuel  of  the 
Future?" 

"I  haven't,"  said  Totts. 

I  corrected  myself  hastily.  "What 
an  absurd  slip  of  the  tongue!"  I 
5° 


THE     SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

gayly  ejaculated.  "I  meant  Mus 
tard  Plasters  in  Pharaoh's  Time/' 

"I  haven't  read  that,  either,"  said 
Totts. 

I  should  now  have  been  at  some 
loss,  but  a  plaintive  voice  behind  me 
said,  "Hup,  hup,  hup,  hup." 

I  turned,  and  saw  a  smiling  little 
old  man,  with  delicate  silver  locks 
that  hung  well-nigh  to  his  col 
lar. 

"Hup,  hup,"  said  he  again,  very 
amiably. 

I  turned  back  to  Totts  in  bewilder 
ment. 

"He  stutters,"  Totts  explained. 

The  voice  behind  me  now  said 
with  a  sudden  sort  of  explosion,  "I 
wrote  it." 


THE     SIMPLE    SPELLING-BEE 

I  turned  again,  and,  catching  both 
his  hands  as  a  drowning  man  is 
said  to  catch  a  straw,  I  wrung 
them  earnestly  and  long.  "A  great 
work!"  I  called  out  to  him,  as  if  he 
were  deaf.  "A  very  great  work!" 
And  not  well  knowing  what  I  did, 
I  further  shouted  to  Miss  Appleby, 
who  was  passing  us:  "He  wrote  it! 
Pecan  Nuts!" 

"Hup,  hup,"  said  the  little  man. 
"Mustard  Plasters." 

Little  as  I  owe  Miss  Appleby,  I 
must  always  hold  her  memory  in 
gratitude  for  her  coming  forward  at 
this  extreme  moment. 

"Of  course  it  is  Mustard  Plas 
ters!"  she  said,  with  delightful 
sweetness;  "and  you  must  write 
52 


THE     SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

your  name  in  my  copy,  dear  Pro 
fessor  Egghorn." 

He  extended  an  eager  hand  for  the 
volume. 

"It  is  in  my  trunk,"  she  continued 
promptly;  "and  your  signature  will 
make  a  unique  gem  of  what  is  al 
ready  a  precious  treasure.  And  you, 
dear  Professor  Totts,  when  I  am 
unpacked,  you  will  surely  not  refuse 
me  the  same  honor?  Professor 
Totts,  you  know,"  she  added  to  me, 
"has  proved  that  Cleopatra  was  a 


man." 


"Then  who  wrote  Pecan  Nuts?" 
I  whispered  to  her  hastily. 

"He  hasn't  come  yet,"  she  hastily 
whispered  back. 

"I  am  sure,"  said  Kibosh,  leading 
53 


THE     SIMPLE    SPELLING-BEE 

a  tall  new  arrival  among  us,  "that 
Professor  Camillo  Cottsill  needs  no 
introduction  here.  We  all  welcome 
the  man  who  has  said  the  last  word 
on  —  the  last  word  on  —  on  —  well, 
now,  really,  it  escapes  me,  Professor," 
he  finished,  turning  his  wide,  gentle 
smile  upon  the  newcomer,  who  glared 
at  him  angrily,  and  announced  with 
unnecessary  loudness :  — 
"Nostalgia  in  the  Lobster." 
"Thank  you,  Professor,"  said  Ki 
bosh;  "thank  you  kindly.  I  think 
lunch  is  now  awaiting  us  in  the  House 
of  Bread." 

After    brief    preparation     in    the 

rooms  assigned   to  us,  we  lunched 

with  the  students;    and,  as  I  passed 

down  the  hall,  I  saw  Totts  and  Egg- 

54 


Professors  Totts  and  Egghorn  signing  their 
respective  works. 


THE     SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

horn  signing  their  respective  volumes 
for  Miss  Appleby. 

"So  quickly  unpacked?"  I  asked 
her. 

" Dear,  no ! "  she  returned.  " Pro 
fessor  Willows  easily  bought  them  for 
me  at  the  University  Book  Shop." 

"I  have  but  one  complaint  against 
your  exquisite  deceit,"  I  said  to  her. 
"Why  did  you  leave  me  out?" 

"Ah!"  she  said,  "who  could  de 
ceive  you  ? " 

I  strove,  but  unsuccessfully,  to 
occupy  a  seat  beside  her  at  table; 
it  was  Jesse  Willows  who  got  it,  the 
other  being  taken  by  Egghorn,  while 
Totts  placed  himself  opposite.  Na 
poleon  preferred  men  with  great 
noses,  but  that  of  Totts  would  have 
55 


THE     SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

pleased  him  too  well,  I  think;  and 
Totts  blew  it  continually.  It  was  my 
hope  that  supper,  or  dinner,  or  what 
ever  they  called  the  next  meal,  would 
not  be  served  with  the  distressing 
rapidity  of  this  one ;  one  had  barely 
the  time  to  swallow,  and  the  food 
went  whole  down  one's  throat;  but 
the  next  meal,  and  all  meals,  were  the 
same,  and,  had  our  convention  lasted 
longer  than  it  did,  I  should  have 
fallen  victim  to  a  grave  dyspepsia. 
This,  I  learned,  was  another  instance 
of  the  vast  genius  of  Masticator  B. 
Fellows:  while  educating  his  stu 
dents,  he  created  in  them  the  need 
for  the  product  of  his  own  monopoly. 
He  gave  them  no  time  to  chew  at  their 
meals,  and  chickle  was  served  free 

56 


THE     SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

in  all  the  houses.  For  chewing,  at 
some  time  or  other,  is  necessary  to 
digestion,  and  among  the  thousands 
at  Chickle  University  I  saw  not  one 
anywhere,  boy  or  girl,  whose  mouth 
was  not  going  like  a  slow  rabbit's; 
and  to  judge  from  the  universal  os 
cillatory  motion  of  the  jaws  of  the 
American  people  in  trains  and  all 
public  places,  I  see  they  are  learning 
that  great  economic  principle  of  Mas 
ticator's,  which  is  announced  every 
where  in  the  street  cars :  — 

TIME  IS  MONEY 

He  who  chickles 
Saves  his  nickles  — 

nickles  being  the  simple  spelling  of 
nickels. 

57 


THE    SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

This  great  man  allowed  us  at 
length  to  see  him  next  morning,  when 
we  assembled  to  begin  our  work. 
We  sat  round  an  imposing  table  some 
twenty  strong  —  for  all  the  profound 
scholars  were  now  arrived  —  and  in 
front  of  each  scholar,  on  the  ample 
green  baize  table-cover,  was  a  great 
dictionary,  with  a  great  glass  ink 
stand  and  writing  materials.  Tall 
blackboards  stood  behind  us,  waiting 
to  receive  the  words  we  should  re 
form  ;  but  the  best  of  it  was  to  find 
myself  sitting  next  Miss  Appleby, 
with  Willows  quite  an  agreeable  dis 
tance  away.  Kibosh  had  arranged 
all  our  seats,  and  it  is  the  best  thing 
I  know  of  him. 

When  Masticator  B.  Fellows  en- 

58 


Masticator  B.    Fellows. 


THE    SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

tered  to  open  our  convention,  it  was 
plain  at  once  whence  Kibosh  had  ac 
quired  his  manner  and  his  appear 
ance  —  so  far  as  he  could  acquire 
this  latter :  the  secretary  might  have 
been  an  early,  bad  photograph  of  the 
magnate.  To  see  Masticator,  he  was 
the  creature  of  brotherly  love,  the 
preacher  of  benign  gospels,  the 
teacher  of  female  academies;  no 
smell  of  Senate  or  Syndicate  hung 
about  him.  Bald,  with  a  silken 
skull-cap,  bland,  with  his  ten  pointed 
fingers  meeting  as  if  to  bless,  with  a 
sunrise  smile,  and  a  black  coat  as  long 
and  unlovely  as  conscious  virtue,  he 
stood  before  us  in  benevolent  silence, 
and  we  rose  as  one  scholar.  But  at 
once  he  motioned  us  to  sit  down. 
59 


THE     SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

"I  think  there's  a  dollar-sign  in  his 
jaw/'  whispered  Miss  Appleby  to  me. 

Already  Masticator  was  addressing 
us,  slowly  and  softly. 

"Dear  friends,"  he  said,  "be  wel 
come.  I  am  worth  two  hundred  and 
forty-five  millions.  Thank  God  that 
you  are  not.  Thank  God  that  you 
are  poor.  Thank  God  for  your 
scanty  meals  and  clothing,  and  your 
ceaseless  failure  to  make  both  ends 
meet.  Pray  God  you  may  die  poor. 
How  I  envy  you  all  your  blessed 
privilege  of  struggle !  Thank  God, 
and  now  to  business. 

"Everything  is  getting  better. 
Man  is  getting  better.  Woman  is 
getting  better.  Life,  Liberty,  Hap 
piness  —  all  getting  better.  And 
60 


THE     SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

chickle.  Better  and  better.  Then 
why  not  English  Spelling  ?  Dear 
friends,  I  expect  results  from  you. 
Let  us  sing  the  Ode." 

A  gasoline  organ  began  to  play  at 
the  end  of  the  apartment,  and  we 
profound  scholars  stood  up  and 
sang  together :  — 

My  spelling  'tis  of  thee, 
Sweet  land  of  spelling-bee, 

Of  thee  I  sing. 
Land  of  the  pilgrims'  pride, 
Land  where  my  fathers  dide, 
For  spelling  simplifide 

Let  freedom  ring 

"A  beautiful  pome,"  said  Lysan- 
der  Totts,  on  my  other  side. 

" Where  were  you  educated?"  I 
asked  him. 

61 


THE     SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

"Surracuse,  Noo  Yorruk,"  he  re 
sponded  ;  and  he  blew  his  large  nose. 

"And  now,  dear  friends,"  Masti 
cator  was  saying,  "I  leave  you.  Re 
member  the  poor  foreigners,  remem 
ber  the  little  children.  It  is  for  them 
that  the  English  language  exists; 
and  for  them  we  must,  therefore, 
smooth  our  spelling's  cruel  path.  I 
expect  results,  dear  friends/'  So 
saying,  he  was  gone. 

"Yes,  there  is  a  dollar-sign  in  his 
jaw,"  repeated  Miss  Appleby. 

"Suggestions  are  now  in  order," 
said  Kibosh,  taking  the  chairman's 
seat. 

Three  profound  scholars  stood  up. 
"The  only  way-  — "  they  began, 
with  one  voice. 

62 


THE     SIMPLE    SPELLING-BEE 

"  Professor  Flawless  Nathan  Mav 
erick  has  the  floor/'  said  Kibosh. 
"I  presume  the  Professor  will  think 
no  change  in  pecan  nuts  necessary." 
And  the  chairman  smiled  sociably 
at  the  scholar. 

"The  only  way,"  said  Maverick, 
"is  to  abolish  all  words  that  for 
eigners  cannot  spell." 

"You  mean  cut  'em  out  of  the  lan 
guage,  suh  ? "  inquired  Jesse  Willows. 

"I  do." 

"Phew!"  whistled  Willows. 

"Order,  gentlemen,"  smiled  the 
chairman.  "  Professor  Camillo  Cott- 
sill  has  the  floor." 

"The  only  way,"  said  this  scholar, 
"is  to  abolish  all  words  that  children 
cannot  spell." 

63 


THE     SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

"Phew!"  repeated  Willows. 

"Order,  gentlemen,  please,"  said 
the  chairman,  gently  tapping  an  ink 
stand  with  a  pencil.  But  he  was  not 
heeded. 

"Who  are  you  whistling  at?" 
demanded  Camillo  Cottsill. 

"Can't  yore  children  spell?"  re 
torted  Willows. 

"Can  yours?"  shouted  Cottsill. 

At  this  Jesse  Willows  blushed  a 
deep  red,  and  so  did  Miss  Appleby. 

"He  is  not  married,  Professor," 
said  Kibosh,  tapping  the  inkstand 
soothingly. 

"My  little  daughter  Zola  B.  can 
spell  everything,"  said  Maverick. 

"How  about  the  others?"  de 
manded  Cottsill. 

64 


THE     SIMPLE    SPELLING-BEE 

"My  salary  only  affords  me  one/' 
stated  Maverick,  with  resignation. 

"Then  how  can  you  judge?"  said 
Cottsill.  "Receive,  and  believe,  and 
bereave  should  be  cut  out  at  once." 

"They  should  not,"  said  Maverick. 

"Oh,  cut  everything  out,"  sighed 
Willows. 

"Hup,  hup,  hup,  hup,"  began  Pro 
fessor  Egghorn. 

"The  author  of  Mustard  Plasters 
has  the  floor,"  said  Kibosh,  with 
civility. 

"The  only  way,"  continued  Egg- 
horn,  "is  to  hup,  hup,  hup." 

"Start   the    organ,    please,"    said 

Kibosh  to  an  assistant  ;'*and  while  the 

gasoline  music  played,  "My  spelling 

'tis  of  thee,"  Kibosh  walked  round 

F  65 


THE    SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

the  table  and  gave  every  one  an  indi 
vidual  box  of  chickle.  We  chewed 
in  silence,  waiting  for  the  voice  of 
Professor  Egghorn  to  go  again. 

"Hup,  hup,"  said  he,  at  length; 
"phonetic." 

"I  object!"  Cottsill  and  Maverick 
called  out  loudly  together. 

"I  move  it's  phonetic,"  said  Totts. 

"Second  the  hup,  hup,"  said  Egg- 
horn. 

"Those  in  favor "  Kibosh 

began. 

"That's  not  properly  seconded," 
interrupted  Cottsill. 

"  Motion ! "  finished  Egghorn,  with 
a  shriek.  And  we  carried  phonetic 
by  eighteen  to  two. 

"Since  Professor  Egghorn  has 
66 


THE    SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

shown  us  the  only  way,"  said  Kibosh, 
"will  he  not  kindly  lead  off  with  his 
suggestions  for  a  reform  list?" 

But  once  again  the  professor's 
utterance  was  transfixed. 

"Give  the  pore  gennleman  a  piece 
of  chalk,"  said  Willows,  "and  send 
him  to  the  blackboard." 

With  the  blackboard  we  now  made 
visible  progress,  which  I  decided  it 
was  best  for  the  present  not  to  inter 
rupt.  Let  as  many  suggestions  as 
possible  be  made;  then  we  could 
weed  them  out.  Consent  we  undi 
vided  upon  a  number  of  words,  and 
some  old  spelling  passed  away  in 
peace.  The  letter  u  disappeared 
from  honor  and  favor,  although,  with 
much  surprise,  I  overheard  Miss 


THE     SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

Appleby  saying  to  herself  that  she 
intended  to  retain  it  in  all  her  private 
correspondence.  The  k  was  kicked 
out  of  Frederic. 

("There's  nothing  new  about  that, 
either,"  said  Miss  Appleby,  in  a 
whisper.) 

"But  I  shall  not  permit  any  such 
liberty  to  be  taken  with  my  own 
name,"  said  Professor  Maverick, 
firmly;  and  this  was  conceded  to 
him,  Professor  Totts  objecting. 

"We  shall  never  reach  consistency 
at  this  rate,"  grumbled  Lysander 
Totts. 

"Who  came  here  to  be  consist 
ent?"  retorted  Maverick. 

"We   came   here   for  spelling  re 
form,"  added  Camillo  Cottsill. 
68 


THE     SIMPLE    SPELLING-BEE 

("Good  gracious,"  said  Miss 
Appleby,  under  her  breath.) 

Presently  it  was  the  letter  h  that 
occupied  us;  and  old  honour  now 
became  onor  (some  were  for  oner, 
but  gave  in),  followed  by  erb,  our, 
and  umor. 

"What's  that?"  demanded  Totts, 
pointing  to  our. 

"Time  of  day,"  answered  Maver 
ick.  "  Sixty  minutes  make  one  our." 

"Then  nobody  can  tell  it  from  our 
cat,  our  cow,"  said  Professor  Totts. 

"We  can't  help  that,"  said  Mav 
erick. 

"We're  only  here  for  simplifica 
tion,"  Cottsill  said  again. 

("Good  gracious,"  repeated  Miss 
Appleby.) 


THE     SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

"Make  it  ower,"  suggested  Cott- 
sill;  and  this  was  done. 

"Make  it  minits,  too,"  said  Totts; 
and  this  was  done. 

"Make  it  sekonds,"  said  Maver 
ick;  and  this  was  done. 

Cottsill  turned  to  Egghorn  at  the 
blackboard.  "Add  eir,  umble,  otel, 
and  istorical,"  said  he. 

"No,  he  sha'n't!"  cried  Totts, 
fiercely. 

"Are  we  phonetic  or  not?"  de 
manded  Cottsill,  turning  on  him. 

("You're  a  pack  of  geese,"  said 
Miss  Appleby.) 

"I  never  said  umble  in  my  life!" 
shouted  Totts. 

"I    reckon  he  don't  use  the  aix- 
pression,"  said  Willows. 
70 


THE     SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

"And  if  istorical  is  adopted, 
Til  resign  now,"  Totts  contin 
ued. 

"Gentlemen,  gentlemen,"  pro 
tested  Kibosh. 

"I  move  those  last  h's  be  laid  on 
the  table,"  said  Maverick;  and  this 
was  done. 

"Past  participles,"  Egghorn  now 
wrote  on  the  blackboard.  "Termi 
nation  ed  to  be  changed  to  t\  for 
instance,  blest,  exprest,  dro " 

"What  are  you  going  to  do  with 
rest?"  interrupted  Totts. 

"And  test?"  said  some  one  down 
the  table. 

"And  nest?"  another  called  out. 

"Can't  you  let  him  finish?"  said 
Cottsill.  And  Egghorn  continued, 
71 


THE     SIMPLE    SPELLING-BEE 

"Dropt,    stopt,    spilt,    kilt,    and  so 
forth." 

("Kilt!"  whispered  Miss  Appleby. 
"Oh,  dear!") 

"Rattlet  instead  of  rattled  will  look 
funny,"  observed  some  one. 

"So  will  mart  and  wart,"  re 
marked  Willows,  "instead  of  marred 
and  warred." 

"If  you  have  rattlet  and  mart  and 
wart,"  yelled  Totts,  "I'll  resign  right 
now,  right  now,  right  now!" 

"Who  thought  of  having  them, 
having  them,  having  them  ? "  thun 
dered  Cottsill. 

"Gentlemen!  Oh,  Gentlemen!" 
wailed  Kibosh. 

"But    consistency "  objected 

Maverick. 

72 


THE    SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

"You  cut  out  consistency  your 
self,"  Cottsill  reminded  him.  We 
despatched  the  past  participles,  and 
came  also  without  much  disturbance 
through  catalog,  demagog,  and  so 
forth  (vogue  and  rogue  made  some 
trouble,  and  our  fundamental  prin 
ciple  of  inconsistency  had  once  more 
to  be  asserted),  but  when  their  blood 
was  roused  and  the  fire  of  simplifica 
tion  grew  hot  in  them,  and  they 
adopted  the  following  with  cheers 
and  noises  of  feet 

Receev,  deceev,  conceev,  beleev, 
weev,  leev,  greev,  seez,  pleez,  teez  — 

I  felt  that  we  had  really  got  near 

the    weeding-out    point,    especially 

when  Jesse  Willows  rose  and  added 

fleez.     "  Plural  of  dogbiters,"  he  ex- 

73 


THE     SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

plained,  and  sat  down  quietly.  At 
this  Miss  Appleby  gave  one  brief, 
happy  laugh,  but  at  once  resumed 
a  singular  tapping  of  her  foot  which 
I  had  begun  to  observe.  We  now 
thoroughly  phoneticked  many  words : 
blud,  for  instance,  and  wunss  (which 
is  so  much  phoneticker  than  once !) 
and  the  days  of  the  week :  Munday, 
for  instance,  and  Toozday.  (I  say 
Tewsday,  myself,  but  I  did  not  men 
tion  it  to  these  profound  American 
scholars.) 

"My  little  daughter  Zola  B.," 
said  Professor  Maverick,  "can  al 
ways  spell  Wednesday." 

"  My  nine  children  never  can," 
said  Totts. 

"I  withdraw  the  objection,"  said 
74 


THE     SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

Maverick;  and  so  it  was  Wens- 
day. 

Skwirl,  for  squirrel,  was  next 
agreed  upon,  and  lepard,  and  eegl. 
And  as  the  blood  of  the  scholars  grew 
ever  hotter  and  hotter,  Constitoo- 
shun,  Deklarayshun,  and  United 
Staits  were  adopted. 

"But  my  Zola  B. "  began 

Maverick. 

"What  are  you-all  goin'  to  call  yore 
next?"  asked  Willows. 

Maverick  sighed.  "My  salary 
only  affords " 

"Beg  yore  pardon,  suh,  I  for 
got,"  said  Willows,  with  sym 
pathy. 

It  was  here  that  I  rose.  "Gentle 
men,"  I  said,  "let  us  do  it  right.  Of 
75 


THE     SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

course,  English  spelling  is  but  a 
rag-bag  of  lawlessness." 

"He  has  said  that  before,"  mut 
tered  Jesse  Willows. 

"But,"  I  continued,  "the  sun 
never  sets  on  English  spelling." 

"I  object  to  these  constant, 
trivial  interruptions,"  stated  Cott- 
sill. 

"Yes,  let  us  onward,"  urged  the 
chairman. 

"Play  ball!"  added  Totts. 

"Chew  gum!"    finished   Cottsill. 

"I'm  through,"  Egghorn  said,  sit 
ting  down. 

It  was  beyond  my  power  to  guide 
them.  I  also  sat  down.  I  also  was 
through. 

"  Through  ? "  exclaimed  Totts. 
76 


THE     SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

"That  reminds  me."     And  running 
to  his  blackboard  he  wrote :  — 

THRU 

"What's  that  thing?"  asked  Wil 
lows. 

"Hup,  hup/'  began  Egghorn. 

"Through,"  replied  Totts,  raising 
his  voice. 

"What?"  said  Willows,  raising  his 
voice,  too. 

"Through,  through ! "  answered 
the  convention  in  a  body. 

And  Miss  Appleby,  amid  the  gen 
eral  din,  remarked,  "That's  the 
way  a  pig  would  spell  if  it  got  the 
chance." 

"Thru,  cm,  blu,  nu,  hu,"  wrote 
Totts. 

77 


THE     SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

"Hu?  Hu?"  repeated  Willows, 
vacantly ;  "  what's  hu  ? " 

"Hup,  hup,  hup,"  vainly  con 
tinued  Egghorn,  waving  his  arms. 

"Hu's  who/'  explained  Cottsill, 
loudly. 

"  Who,  who !"  explained  the  whole 
convention  to  Willows. 

"Booh,  pooh!  "said  Willows.  And 
running  to  the  blackboard  he  added : 

"Bu,  pu,  and  stu,  also  glu." 

But  Egghorn  was  now  standing  on 
his  chair,  and  screaming,  "Hup,  hup, 
hup,"  with  the  most  energetic  vio 
lence. 

"Oh,  write  it!"  every  one  cried 
out  to  him. 

They  lifted  Egghorn  down  from  his 
chair,  and  he  ran  eagerly  to  his  black- 


THE     SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

board,  upon  which  he  wrote,  "This 
is  illiterate,  this  is  unscholarly." 

And  again  the  convention  cried  out 
together,  "We're  not  here  to  be 
scholarly,  we're  not  here  to  be  liter 
ate." 

"Have  yore  way,  gennlemen,"  said 
Jesse  Willows,  "I'll  stand  for  any 
thing." 

"Well,  I  can't  stand  this  any 
longer!"  exclaimed  Miss  Appleby; 
and  rising  to  her  pretty  feet,  she  con 
tinued,  "Gentlemen,  in  your  chari 
table  solicitude  for  foreigners,  you 
may  be  making  our  spelling  easy 
for  Lithuanians  (though  I  doubt 
it),  but  you  are  making  it  quite  im 
possible  for  the  English." 

Upon  this  a  cold  silence  fell,  and 
79 


THE    SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

then,  "And  who  are  the  English, 
madam?"  asked  Cottsill. 

Miss  Appleby  gave  her  delightful 
brief  laugh.  "I'm  sorry  you  don't 
know,  sir,"  said  she,  "for  I  didn't 
come  here  to  begin  your  education." 
And  she  sat  down.  There  was  an 
impulse  in  me  to  call  her  Gertrude, 
but  I  felt  it  to  be  premature. 

A  general  murmuring  confusion  of 
consulting  and  dissenting  voices  now 
arose  among  the  scholars. 

"But  what  did  you  come  here 
for?"  I  asked  Miss  Appleby. 

"Not  to  see  unbroken  dogs  put 
their  muddy  paws  all  over  the  great 
est  language  in  the  world,"  she  re 
torted. 

"Dear  me,  dear  me,"  I  returned, 
80 


THE    SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

with  soothing  deprecation,  for  she  was 
plainly  very  much  incensed,  "then 
what  did  you  come  for  ? " 

"Oh,  for  reasons,"  she  returned 
evasively. 

Doubts  that  I  could  not  define 
began  suddenly  to  fill  my  mind,  and 
I  said  to  her,  "Didn't  you  write 
about  Shakespeare  ? " 

"A  college  joke,"  she  answered 
contemptuously.  "I'm  writing  a 
poem  now.  I  shall  call  it,  'How  we 
brought  the  Good  Spelling  from 
Ghent  to  Aix.' " 

"Then  you  don't  believe  in  the 
Higher  Spelling?"  I  asked. 

"No !"  she  declared,  with  defiance. 

"  Does  Professor  Willows  ? "  I  pur 
sued. 

G  81 


THE     SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

"  Hadn't  you  better  ask  him  about 
that?"  she  replied. 

I  think  my  face  must  have  turned 
the  reddest  that  anger  can  paint  faces ; 
for  now,  at  any  rate,  I  had  no  doubts 
as  to  how  I  had  been  made  game  of  in 
the  private  car.  Yes,  they  had  mocked 
me.  The  impudent  young  man  had 
manufactured  absurd  spelling  for  my 
serious  attention,  and  he  and  Miss 
Appleby  had  then  made  merry  to 
gether  over  it,  and  over  myself.  But 
before  I  could  frame  a  fitting  rebuke 
to  the  frivolous  though  lovely  young 
woman  beside  me,  a  distracting  hub 
bub  of  voices  was  set  up,  and  through 
this  I  heard  Kibosh  calling:  — 

"On  your  blackboards,  gentlemen, 
on  your  blackboards." 
82 


Professor  Dudelsacker. 


THE     SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

The  convention  gradually  heard 
him,  too,  and  scholar  after  scholar 
bounded  from  his  chair,  seized  a 
piece  of  chalk,  and  began  to  write. 
Only  one  was  left,  who  stood  at  his 
place,  pouring  forth  the  most  exe 
crable  sounds  I  have  ever  heard. 

"Professor  Dudelsacker  has  the 
floor/'  said  Kibosh. 

"Burrmeowskreeyiyiwurrburr- 
wowwowmeow,"  went  the  professor. 

"Turn  that  Central  Pennsylvania 
Dutch  quacker  out!"  shouted  some 
one. 

"I've  resigned  already  meowow- 
wow,"  squealed  Dudelsacker,  in  a 
fury;  and  he  took  his  departure  at 
once. 

But    this    brought    us    no    calm. 

83 


THE     SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

Twenty  pieces  of  chalk  were  rattling 
on  the  blackboards  like  a  platoon  of 
busy  telegraphic  instruments.  Each 
scholar  was  making  his  own  list  for 
the  new  dictionary  of  English,  and  I 
read  the  lists  of  Totts,  Maverick,  and 
Cottsill,  so  far  as  they  had  written 
them.  Jesse  Willows  was  writing,  too, 
with  sweeping  flourishes ;  but  I  had 
ceased  to  place  faith  in  his  integrity. 


Surracuse 

Beverly  Fahms  Cyar 

Yurrup 

Rud                      Cyard 

Surrup 

But                      Cyart 

Mawrul 

Cut                      Gyarden 

Sawrul 

Grantha              Coat-house 

Kwawrul 

Anywheres 

Awringe 
Amurrican 

Everywheres 
Nowheres 

CottsilPs  list 

Tremenjus 

Tremendious 

THE     SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

"Awringe,"  I  murmured  aloud, 
in  ignorance  of  its  meaning ;  but  my 
own  voice  revealed  to  me  that  it  was 
our  chief  Florida  fruit,  as  pronounced 
by  Lysander  Totts,  of  Numa  Pom- 
pilius,  New  York,  discoverer  of  Cleo 
patra's  true  sex.  The  whole  great 
West  was  rattling  away  on  the  boards 
behind  me,  but  what  I  saw  in  front 
of  me  was  enough  to  hold  my  atten 
tion  ;  and  my  eyes  were  straying  back 
and  forth  between  awringe  and 
grantha,  when  Totts,  happening  to 
glance  up  from  his  work,  beheld  the 
work  of  Maverick  next  him. 

He  stopped  abruptly.  "Rud  ?"  he 
inquired  of  the  professor  from  Fish- 
ball  University,  author  of  Pecan  Nuts. 

"Road,"  explained  Maverick,  writ- 

85 


THE     SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

ing   out   the   old    spelling.     "Road, 
boat,  coat." 

"Hm,"  said  Totts,  with  disappro 
bation. 

"But  what  is  grantha?"  I  whis 
pered  to  Miss  Appleby. 

"Can  it  be  a  breakfast  food  ?"  she 
suggested ;  and  again  I  wished  to  call 
her  Gertrude. 

Totts  was  still  gazing  at  Maver 
ick's  list.  "Hm.  Yes,"  he  repeated. 
"Bean  talk  from  Boston.  We  don't 
want  it." 

"Are  we  phonetic  or  not?"  re 
turned  Maverick,  sharply. 

But  Totts  had  now  caught  sight 
of     Cottsill's    list.      "Anywheres?" 
he   read    aloud.    "Why  anywheres? 
Rub  all  those  out." 
86 


THE     SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

"I  will  not,"  declared  the  author 
of  Nostalgia  in  the  Lobster.  "I 
guess  if  you  can  be  phonetic,  I  can." 

"I'm  afraid  they're  skipping 
grantha,"  said  Miss  Appleby. 

"Who  says  anywheres?"  de 
manded  Totts. 

"I  do,"  snapped  Cottsill. 

"Well,  I  don't,"  Totts  replied. 
"And,  what's  more,  I  won't." 

Cottsill  raised  his  voice.  "I  guess 
I  can  be  phonetic  just  as " 

"Anywheres  is  vulgar/'interrupted 
Totts. 

"Vulgar  yourself!"  screamed 
Cottsill,  jumping  up  and  down. 

"Vulgar!  Vulgar!"  chimed  in 
Maverick,  whom  the  term  bean  talk 
had  nettled. 

87 


THE     SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

But  Totts  had  spied  the  list  of  Jesse 
Willows,  and  was  pointing  at  it  dis 
dainfully.  "And  pray,"  said  he, 
"what  may  a  coat-house  be  ? " 

Now  the  handsome  young  man 
from  Paw-paw  was  the  last  person  to 
select  for  addressing  in  such  a  tone 
as  Lysander  Totts  had  taken. 

"  I  beg  yore  pardon,  suh  ?  "  he  re 
marked,  so  politely  that  I  became 
filled  with  apprehension. 

Miss  Appleby  was  gazing  at  him 
with  all  her  eyes.  "What  do  you 
think  of  him  ? "  she  whispered  to  me. 

I  suppose  that  indignation  at  his 
unwarrantable  treatment  of  me  in  the 
car  rendered  me  imprudent.  "My 
dear  Miss  Appleby,"  I  said  to  her, 
"my  dear  Gertrude,  he  is  as  beautiful 
88 


THE     SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

as  the  day,  as  ignorant  as  a  Socialist, 
and  as  dishonest  as  a  plumber/' 

"How  dare  you  speak  of  my  hus 
band  so?"  she  replied.  "We  were 
married  this  morning.  That's  all 
we  came  for  to  your  silly  convention. 
Good-by."  And  rising,  she  swept 
out  of  the  room. 

But  her  exit  was  unobserved. 
The  great  West  was  still  rattling  on  its 
blackboards,  Maverick  and  Cottsill 
were  scowling  darkly  atTotts.  Totts 
was  pointing  one  finger  at  coat-house, 
and  Willows  was  smiling  steadily  at 
Totts,  in  a  manner  that  now  con 
vinced  me  we  were  approaching  the 
edge  of  something  quite  particular. 
Nor  did  even  the  bridegroom  know 
that  his  bride  had  left  us. 


THE     SIMPLE    SPELLING-BEE 

"I  beg  yore  pardon,  suh?"  he 
repeated. 

"  Coat-house.  What's  that  ? "  said 
Totts. 

"It  is  whah  they'd  have  you,  suh, 
if  they  caught  you  teachin'  any  o' 
those  railroad  accidents  o'  yore's  to 
the  young." 

" Yes,  indeed;  yes,  indeed  !"  cried 
Maverick  and  Cottsill,  eagerly. 

Totts  loudly  blew  his  nose.  "It 
shall  remain  court-house  in  the 
dictionary  of  scholars,"  he  re 
marked. 

Willows  ran  his  eye  up  and  down 
Totts'  list,  and  then  up  and  down 
Totts.  "Schooling,"  he  softly  re 
turned,  "has  done  powerful  little 
for  the  Amurrican  who  sails  to  Yur- 
90 


THE     SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

rup  and  puts  surrup  on  his  hot 
cakes." 

" Yes,  indeed;  yes,  indeed!"  said 
Cottsill  and  Maverick  again. 

"  Gentlemen,  gentlemen !"  pleaded 
Kibosh,  "do  not  quarrel." 

"Kwawrul,  you  mean,"  smiled 
Jesse  Willows.  "It's  immawrul  to 
kwawrul  in  Surracuse,  Noo  Yorruk." 

Totts  now  began  to  show  signs  of 
jumping  up  and  down. 

"Have  we  adopted  phonetic  spell 
ing,  or  have  we  not?"  he  roared. 

"Not  yore  kind,"  said  Willows. 

"Yore!"  echoed  Totts.  "Listen 
to  that  dialect!"  And  he  blew  his 
noise  more  loudly. 

"  Hup,  hup,"  began  Egghorn ;  but 
his  voice  stuck  as  usual. 


THE     SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

"You  should  get  a  chauffeur," 
said  Cottsill,  severely,  to  him. 

"Hup,  hup.  Compromise,"  fin 
ished  Egghorn. 

"Ah,  yes,  gentlemen,  there  we  have 
it !"  said  Kibosh,  earnestly.  "Com 
promise  is  progress.  Let  us  all  ac 
cept  one  another.  Thus  the  cause 
will  profit." 

His  exhortation  produced  a  brief, 
a  very  brief,  lull.  Each  looked  at 
the  neighboring  blackboards  in  si 
lence;  and  Kibosh,  doubtless  with 
the  idea  of  harmony,  set  the  organ 
once  more  to  playing,  "  My  spelling 
'tis  of  thee,"  while  the  rattling  West 
continued  to  create  a  new  language 
behind  us. 

At  length  Cottsill  sighed.  "Very 
92 


THE     SIMPLE    SPELLING-BEE 

well,"  he  said,  "for  the  sake  of  any 
wheres,  I'll  vote  for  surrup." 

"That's  wise,  that's  kind,  that's 
good,"  said  Kibosh ;  and  he  beat  one 
hand  gently  on  the  table. 

At  this  hopeful  point,  Jesse  Wil 
lows  noticed,  for  the  first  time,  that 
no  lady  was  now  present,  and  his  long 
body  made  a  singular  twisting  and 
free  motion  beneath  his  clothes. 

"I  will  vote  for  rud  and  any 
wheres,"  Totts  said.  "But  I  doubt 
if  I  can  accept  coat-house." 

Jesse  Willows  took  him  instantly 
by  the  nose.  "You'll  accept  noth 
ing"  said  he,  with  great  sweetness; 
and  he  shook  him  forward  and  back. 
"I  am  weary  of  you  and  yore  an 
tics,"  and  he  shook  him  right  and 
93 


THE     SIMPLE    SPELLING-BEE 

left.  "  You're  goin'  to  rub  out  every 
thing  you  have  written,"  and  he 
shook  him  round  and  round. 

"Help,"  gurgled  the  struggling 
Totts.  "Help!" 

"No,  indeed;  no,  indeed,"  cried 
Maverick  and  Cottsill,  delighted. 

"You  gentlemen  are  included," 
said  Willows  to  them,  and  they  both 
hastily  covered  their  noses  with  their 
hands.  "I  don't  mean  that  way," 
he  continued.  "But  you're  goin'  to 
rub  yore  lists  out,  too.  Why,  you're 
the  contemptiblest  of  all  the  great 
American  frauds.  Just  because  you 
have  written  a  picayune  book  on  some 
picayune  specialty,  you  pass  for  bein' 
educated  in  our  half-civilized  country. 
Put  you  among  genuine  scholars  and 
94 


THE     SIMPLE    .SPELLING-BEE 

you  would  look  like  old  gum  shoes. 
I  know  my  accent  is  provincial,"  he 
paused  and  looked  at  Totts  for  a  mo 
ment,  "but  it's  a  heap  prettier'n 
yore's,"  he  shook  Totts  round  and 
round  again,  "and  you  and  I  are 
just  goin'  to  let  the  English  language 
take  care  of  herself.  She  has  done  it 
for  a  thousand  years,  and  she'll  do  it 
for  a  thousand  more,  changin'  what 
she  pleases  an'  keepin'  what  she 
pleases." 

So  saying,  the  young  man,  even  as 
one  drags  a  resisting  dog  by  a  chain, 
dragged  the  howling  Totts  by  his  nose 
to  the  blackboard,  and  forced  the  rub 
ber  into  his  hand ;  and  as  Totts  hung 
back  his  firmly  imprisoned  organ  re 
ceived  a  still  more  acute  sensation, 
95 


THE     SIMPLE    SPELLING-BEE 

whereat  he  leaped  into  the  air,  and 
erased  his  Surracuse  list  at  one  sweep. 
And  next,  since  Cottsill  and  Maver 
ick  were  hanging  back  also,  one  with 
his  arms  shielding  grantha,  while  the 
other  shielded  anywheres,  Totts  was 
conducted  to  those  words.  "Out 
with  grantha,"  commanded  Jesse. 
"  We'll  keep  it  grandfather  for  a 
while  yet,  Mr.  Bean  Talk."  They 
attempted  to  defend  their  lists,  but 
vainly ;  and  in  the  conflict  that  arose, 
a  rubber  flew  crooked  and  hit  one 
of  the  great  West  sharply  in  the  back 
of  the  neck.  He,  being  under  a  mis 
apprehension,  thereupon  kicked  his 
neighbor  savagely,  and  in  a  moment 
all  the  profound  scholars  engaged  to 
gether  in  a  blind  war,  rubbing  out  one 


THE     SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

another's  lists,  whacking  one  an 
other's  heads,  and  often  rolling  by 
twos  and  threes  beneath  the  table, 
from  which  dictionaries  and  inkstands 
were  falling  continuously.  It  was 
with  the  greatest  difficulty  that  I  got 
the  gasoline  organ  between  myself 
and  harm's  way.  Jesse  Willows  had 
mounted  upon  the  table  with  the  still 
faintly  bellowing  Totts,  whom  he  led 
slowly  from  one  end  to  the  other, 
amid  the  clouds  of  chalk  and  the  gen 
eral  bedlam. 

At  the  first  pause  which  exhaus 
tion  brought,  Masticator  B.  Fellows 
was  perceived  to  be  looking  on 
quietly. 

"  Gentlemen,"  he  said,  "dear 
friends"  (and  these  words  stopped 
97 


THE     SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

everything),  "I  am  well  pleased  with 
what  you  have  accomplished.  I  ex 
pected  results,  and  I  have  got  them. 
The  surgeon  awaits  you  in  the  House 
of  Bandages." 

No  serious  wounds  were  found; 
but  also  no  scholar  was  found  to  be 
upon  speaking  terms  with  any  other. 
By  the  generosity  of  Masticator  each 
was  sent  home  separately  in  a  private 
car,  on  a  special  train,  with  plenty  of 
chickle. 

Masticator  had  created  all  the 
publicity  that  he  desired.  New  stu 
dents  swarmed  in  armies  to  his  Uni 
versity,  and  he  presently  issued  a  bil 
lion  more  shares  of  Chickle  common. 
The  press  of  the  whole  country  rang 
with  the  enterprise. 
98 


THE     SIMPLE     SPELLING-BEE 

SIMPLE  SPELLERS  WED 

was  one  of  the  first  headlines  that 
greeted  me  upon  my  homeward  jour 
ney.  Yes;  Jesse  Willows  and  Ger 
trude  Appleby  were  the  exceptions; 
these  two  scholars  had  gone  away  in 
the  same  car  together  to  their  honey 
moon,  while  I  returned  lonely  to  the 
index  of  my  forthcoming  volume. 
Heigho ! 


99 


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K 


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